Infinite Death
by kyleisgod
Summary: Kenny McCormick's points of view before his various deaths, in the actual order of occurrence! Kenny McCormick death fic challenge!
1. The Spirit Of Christmas

This isn't fair. I'm only eight years old, and I'm dying. At least I think I am. No one knows what death feels like until they die, right?

There was so much I wanted to do before I died. Get out of South Park. Or at least the ghetto part of it I'm in now. Touch some boobs. Learn to drive. All the teenage stuff they say you're supposed to want to get into like sneaking booze before twenty-one and going to dances and shit. Having a life at all, really. What kind of life did I have bleeding to death at eight? Who's even going to remember me now besides my family?

I guess no one can live forever. You just never know when it's your time. Still, I would've liked to have lived a bit longer. If I'd known I only had eight years, I'd have done some things differently.

Like not putting that hat on Frosty. Those Christmas movies are wrong; Frosty's a dick!

I just hope Stan and Kyle make it. They seem like nice guys.


	2. Spirit Of Christmas: Jesus vs Santa

Another year, another death. At least I think it's death. I thought that last time, I was positive, but I came back, so maybe it was just a bad injury or a near-death experience or something. Eric came back too, so maybe it was all in my head.

This time I'm sure though. It feels the same as last time, but I can't come back from this. There's just no medical way to come back from being beheaded by Santa. Beheaded by Santa's magic, no less. Science doesn't even think magic exists, let alone knows how to cure it. I'm definitely a goner.

What sucks is I really liked Christmas. Everyone's charitable to poor people like me and my family this time of year. It's awesome! Oh well. Maybe they'll be even nicer to my family now that they have a dead kid. Whether or not I go to Heaven, I hope Jesus wins the fight. Too bad I won't be around to see how it ends.

At least I got another year alive. More time than I thought I'd get last year. I still haven't done everything I've wanted to, but that's because I'm dying young. Nothing I could do about that. Most people probably don't accomplish everything they want to anyways, right?

You know what's funny? Eric Cartman was originally called "Kenny". Who knows? Maybe if his mom had stuck with that name, he'd be the one this is happening to. I hate to think this, the guy's my best friend for better or worse, but he deserves this fate more than me. More than I ever could. He's hurt more people than me. Done more horrible things. I suffer almost every day while Cartman charms his way through life getting almost everything he ever wants. I starve, literally, while he eats to the point of gluttony.

But maybe his role in the universe is bigger than mine. Maybe he's needed around South Park to serve a better purpose. Maybe, if he were me, the world somehow wouldn't be the same. Maybe by wishing we could trade places even once, I'm being selfish and somehow hurting the world. Hurting my best friend.

Maybe, just maybe, I suffer and die so that he doesn't have to.

On second thought, I wouldn't trade our names for anything.


	3. Cartman Gets An Anal Probe

I think my luck's finally improving. The alien spaceship didn't do me in. The cows didn't trample me to death. Maybe I'm building up a kind of immunity. Maybe it's finally over and I'm just another mortal now who can live out a normal life.

What's that sound? A cop car?

Fucking pigs! Watch where you're going! FUCK!

Oh well, it was nice while it lasted.


	4. Weight Gain 4000

Seriously Garrison? Really God? The bullet was bad enough, thanks. You didn't have to shoot me into a fucking flag pole too! What did I ever do to you? What did I ever do to anybody to deserve this?

I hope the guys can at least still do the play. Kyle was really looking forward to it. Guess I won't get to see Eric get his award either.

He cheated anyway.


	5. Volcano

I'm getting smarter at cheating death. I'm learning all its tricks. It thinks it has my number, but maybe I have his. Or hers, or whatever death is supposed to be. So far I've escaped fire, volcanic bombs, drinking gasoline, and Scuzzlebutt on this trip. I'm even getting in good with Stan's Uncle Jimbo. Called me his "honorary nephew" and everything. Sorry to steal your thunder, Stan, but I need this more than you do.

If Jimbo likes me enough, I'll have a place to go. I can run away from my parents. Have a real home in a good neighborhood. I can finally-

Hm. Guess I should've gotten in better with Ned.

Or at least gotten better at dodging bullets.


	6. Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride

Oh, god. It hurts. It hurts so bad. Why the fuck isn't the ref calling this? My arms are gone. My fucking arms are gone! This is a new one, and I'm not sure if I'll come back normal or not. It's scary. Scarier than dying, which I'm now used to. I'll have to live my life with a handicap. I'll have to get fake arms. I'll never touch a boob. I'll damn sure never play football again. Even if I could!

I wish Stan were here.

I feel bad for that Pip kid. If this is what Middle Park does to me, imagine what they'll do to him. He doesn't even have a helmet on!

Maybe they'll let him have mine.

The decapitation is quick. The feeling of being an amputee is now a gentle, fading numbness. Some say your limbs wait for you in Heaven in accidents like these.

I guess we'll see.


	7. An Elephant Makes Love To A Pig

When I was younger, I always wondered why you shouldn't put tin foil in the microwave. So one night I did it to see what would happen. Sure enough, the microwave blew up, and I got beaten for fucking up my family's dinner. In hindsight, it wasn't worth it.

I couldn't help wondering what else could possibly fuck up a microwave like that though. So I tried other shit. Plastic. Playdough. Metal.

I guess that's why no one's helping me get out of the microwave now. Maybe this whole thing's karma. I shouldn't have abused the technology that allowed my family to eat. I'm burning up. I'm dying. I can smell my own flesh cooking. The smell of burned hair. Oh, shit, it's awful!

Better than slow roasting in the oven for hours, I guess.


	8. Death

So we finally meet. Me and Death, face to face. I think this is it this time. He's finally came for me. At least this will all be over soon, one way or another.

"Don't let him touch you!" Kyle warned us. "You die if he touches you!"

I can't let them get killed because of me, so I ran with them. We all tried to avoid Death together. In a dream world, I'd stay and fight. And I'd win. I'd decimate Death, bone by bone, for all the pain he's caused me. For preventing me from living a normal childhood. I'd kill him, and then stomp on his corpse to make sure he's really dead.

But this isn't a dream world.

In the end, or what I think is finally going to be the end, I'm not fast enough. That's fine, I never have been before.

I just hope the other guys are luckier than me.

I'm sure they will be.


	9. Pinkeye

Death wasn't the end. In fact it's only getting worse.

Or, possibly, better.

I'm a zombie now.

I don't know what that means for me. I've always kind of been a zombie before, I guess, but this is more...official. I'm always starving, but now I'm hungry for brains. Just brains. Wendy's big, smart, juicy brains.

Interestingly, I'm still able to think coherently enough. I still go trick or treating with the guys. Come on, a real-life zombie! That's fucking perfect for Halloween! And the "costume" didn't cost me anything!

Well, other than my life.

What are you doing, Kyle? I thought we were friends! I never once went for your brains. Not yours, or Stan's, or Eric's. I fought off the hunger for you guys and bit total strangers instead. So why would you hurt me like this with that chainsaw?

I'll come back. I'll come back and get revenge for your betrayal. Death has never stopped me. Will never stop me. Can you imagine how powerful a fucking Zombie Kenny McCormick is going to be? You're in for it now, Kyle! You and all those other assholes splitting up _my_ candy! You think you can just eat candy and look at dirty pictures of Cartman's mom without me? Eating and porn are two of my favorite things! How _dare_ you do them without me! I'm gonna-

An angel statue? That's kind of ironic.

A plane?! Seriously?!

Four deaths in twenty-four hours or so. That's a new record for me.

I don't care to break it.


	10. Damien

Uncle Jimbo doesn't like me anymore.

Or maybe he just really likes platypus.

Platypi? Platypussies? Ah, whatever, the point is I'm dying.

At least Satan's richer and Jesus won the fight. They'll both be in good moods today, wherever I go.

That'll make things just a little bit easier.


	11. Starvin' Marvin

Mutant turkeys are some vicious motherfuckers!

I knew we wouldn't all survive the fight. I didn't expect to for one second. But I had to protect my friends. Protect our town. The town, the people, were helping me and my family this year. They gave us creamed corn, and I managed to snag us some green beans without dying in the process. For all its faults, South Park is a good town full of good, decent people.

People I don't mind dying for.

I won't get to taste our Thanksgiving veggies now, but that'll just leave more food for my family to eat, right?

Maybe next Thanksgiving will be better.


	12. Tom's Rhinoplasty

Miss Ellen may not be an Iraqi fugitive, but she's something. No normal person can swing a sword like that without some kind of training.

Too bad she missed and hit me instead.

I'm pretty sure this is the first time a woman's killed me. My first teacher-crush, too. Oh well, Stan may or may not have already boned her anyway. Not that I'm opposed to sloppy seconds, but he definitely wasn't trying to share that.

Guess I'll have to wait for the next hot female teacher we have.


	13. Mecha-Streisand

I always dreamed of being asphyxiated, but not while playing with myself.

Playing tetherball with myself, that is.

It was an accident, but then, aren't most deaths? I guess I'll never avoid it no matter how hard I try. No matter what I do, or don't do, death is always going to come for me. I dodged a lot of bullets today, figuratively, but in the end I can't even play a relaxing game all alone without something bad happening.

I think I'll just stop trying to fight it.


	14. Cartman's Mom Is A Dirty Slut

I should've let go of that goddamn go-cart. Being hit by a train is way worse than being hit by a bullet. A train is basically being hit by a huge bullet times a thousand.

Looks like the go-cart is dying with me. Good! That thing's a piece of shit anyway. I hope the guys win that prize money so we can get another one.

Stan gets the first ride on it, even though I probably kind of deserve it after this.


	15. Cartman's Mom Is Still A Dirty Slut

Eric deserves to know who his dad is. I have to do this.

Maybe if he gets some answers, some closure, he'll be a better person because of it. I know exactly how bad a lack of that stuff can effect you. Maybe Eric's dad is someone in town right under our nose, and the guy would do the right thing and discipline the fat little fuck if only he knew he was responsible for him.

I won't just be helping Eric, but everyone on life support in that hospital.

I imagine the electrocution will be quick. Like the microwave, but harder. And hopefully faster. For just a second maybe it'll actually even feel good in all this cold weather.

I'll die, again, but at least this time I know my death will be meaningful. I'll die for Eric. I'll die helping Eric reunite with his dad. I'll die so the people who only get one shot at life can hang on to theirs for at least another day. So their loved ones can get through this blizzard and see them one more time before it's too late.

My death means nothing to me anymore. Hopefully it'll mean something for one of them.


	16. Chickenlover

A tree. Of all things, a fucking tree falling on me. That's just funny.

At least Stan can stop being frustrated now. The natural order is restored. Kenny's dead, and the tree's a bastard.

What's even funnier? The tree fell, and it made a sound, but now no one's around to see it crush me.

Maybe on some deep level I'm not dead after all.


	17. Ike's Wee Wee

I guess I should've watched where I was going, but seriously, these gravediggers suck! Who puts an open grave and a loose headstone together anyway? Especially when there's a funeral going on that day.

I'd like to think I'm filling someone else's spot here.

At least Ike isn't really dead.

Come on boys, start shoveling the dirt. You wouldn't believe this, but I don't have all day.


	18. Dodgeball AKA Conjoined Fetus Lady

I think I'm going to stop playing sports. It's a free way to get some exercise, sure, and it lets me see my friends, get out of class, and peak at naked people in the locker rooms, but this is twice a sport has killed me. It's not worth it.

Hopefully no one else has to die over a game.


	19. The Mexican Staring Frog

Torn apart yet again. I honestly don't know which is worse: a chainsaw or one's bare hands. I guess bare hands looks more badass, but I'm the victim here, so that doesn't mean shit to me.

Why can't those two hot girls from Jesus And Pals: Too Hot For TV tear me apart fighting over me? Is that really too much to ask?

I wonder if this will help the ratings.


	20. Summer Sucks

I always wanted to be under the bleachers, but with a hot cheerleader. This is the second worst Fourth Of July ever. The first being when I was in kindergarten. Or maybe pre-school. It was my first death that I can remember. A firecracker I'd held for too long. I can still smell the gun powder. It was scary as fuck! I'd never been in that kind of pain before, and I didn't think I'd come back from it.

Even back then, Stan and Kyle knew it was serious. They cared. They bastardized the firecracker that hurt me. They didn't remember my death afterward, or since, but at least they cared at the time.

Summer sucks anyway. Maybe I'll come back in time for fall.


	21. Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls

Mister Hankey And Me must've really sucked for people to storm out of the theater so quickly they'd trample a little boy. I guess that's bad news for Stan's date with Wendy.

Unless the movie was so bad they just made out during it instead. Isn't that kind of the point, anyway?

Too bad I won't get to hear the details.


	22. Chickenpox

In the right situation, chickenpox is deadly.

Who knew?

At least I died happy this time. Laughing just before the dreaded flatline. If I have to go, again, that's at least a nice way to do it.

I hope I can have more nice deaths.

Or, you know, no more at all, but I'm not holding my breath on that one.

If I did, it'd probably kill me too.


	23. Roger Ebert

Fuck! I'm all for helping out Stan and Kyle, but this is too much. Turn it down, guys. Please! It's too intense! It's too much! I'm gonna -

Last time I volunteer for anything.


	24. Clubhouses

Being trampled to death is never fun, even if the people doing it are moshing.

At least me and Eric got girls. And we finished our clubhouse first. Suck it, Stan and Kyle!

I'd have probably died during the first dare anyway.


	25. Cow Days

You're not tricking me this time, Death. You either, Kyle. I know if I go help Cartman, that bull is gonna kill me. I'm too smart to fall for it. Why don't you go fucking volunteer, huh?

Why is the bull drawn to me? My parka's orange, not red!

Son of a bitch.


	26. Chef Aid

Ozzy Osbourne's a prick! I don't care how much money he raised for Chef, that shit was uncalled for!

Oh well. Least I can say I've hung out with a celebrity.


	27. Spookyfish

I should've listened. Stan tried to tell us the fish was evil, but I just had to see for myself, didn't I?

He looked harmless enough, but then, so do most murderers. Always the quiet ones, right?

Fuck you, I'm nice to animals!

Halloween's definitely my least-favorite holiday. Free candy or not.


	28. Merry Christmas, Charlie Manson!

Wow, gunned down by cops on Christmas Day. That's the second time the "law" has killed me. I'm starting to play connect the dots with my bullet wounds in my free time, and no one ever gets punished for it but me. I'm beginning to see why Cartman's Uncle Charlie didn't care much for society's rules. Though I don't agree with, like, any of his viewpoints.

I feel bad I'm dying here. My family was really counting on those leftovers. Scoring leftovers at a Cartman family get-together is no small feat either.

What sucks is I used to really like Christmas. I guess I'm not safe on any holidays anymore. On any days, period. Guess I should thank God for the present of living through last year, then.

I'm sorry, but I can't. It's hard to be grateful when you receive more death than life.

Speaking of life...

Merry Christmas, Uncle Charlie.


	29. Gnomes

So close, yet so far.

I'm surrounded by midgets and underwear. both men's and women's. Great start to an evening, right?

Until a mining cart falls on you. Christ, what do I have to do to get a proper erotic death around here? Dying underneath underwear is just...a cruel tease.

On the plus side, I'm not totally fucked on that project like the guys are. Maybe they can get out of the homework by mentioning my death if I stay away long enough.

It's not like I'd be missed.


	30. Prehistoric Ice Man

I'm nobody's best friend.

I'm not even second best.

I always knew Stan and Kyle were close. That was fine. That's where Eric came into it with me. But then they fought. Worse than they've ever fought. Kyle, probably to hurt Stan beyond belief, declared Cartman his new best friend. Stan would understand how much that was supposed to sting. The very idea of Kyle choosing Cartman over him...

Stan, being just as hurtful, declared Cartman _his_ best friend. That'd hurt Kyle just as badly if not worse. And Cartman, bless his lonely fat heart, just went with the flow and enjoyed the boys fighting over his friendship. A best friendship which, he should've told them, was already taken.

Everyone was so hurt and so selfish that no one stopped to think they were hurting me too.

More than that damn conveyor belt ever could have.


	31. Rainforest & Spontaneous Combustion

The first time I saw Kelly, I knew she was pretty. She was a beautiful blonde choir geek who wanted to save the rainforest. Stan and Kyle had gotten some girls; why couldn't I for once? I didn't give two shits about the rainforest or the choir band, but I joined anyway just so I could get closer to her.

The second time I saw Kelly, I lied to her face. In hindsight, not the best way to start a relationship, but it's Eric's fault. He tried to blow up my spot. Thanks a lot, asshole! He told her my family was poor. For the first time in my life, despite all my knowledge of sex and ladies, I felt insecure and nervous. I felt self-conscious and unworthy. That's why I lied about my poverty. That's how I knew Kelly was the one for me. That's why I had no problem taking a bullet for her. Literally. Fuck those love songs. Those guys sing about climbing mountains or swimming oceans for women, but how many of those fuckers would have the balls to actually do it? None I'll bet! But I digress.

The third time I saw Kelly, my vision was blurred. I was coming back from a lightning strike. It hurt like hell, but at least statistically this was one death I shouldn't have to deal with again. My heart was beating like crazy, and not just because Kelly had to technically kiss me to resesitate it. I might have had to nearly die to do it, but I'd done it! I'd gotten the girl.

The next time I saw Kelly, we were hanging on by a thread. Colorado to Costa Rica was a bitch; especially when I could only afford to travel by bus. Sometimes, most of the time, I couldn't see her. She told me how important it was to see each other if this was going to work. She said if I missed another get-together, we were finished.

It's hot. Too hot. In South Park there's only winter and July, but this is crazy. It isn't my parka. It's something else. Something inside me. Am I sick? Doesn't matter. I can't cancel on Kelly again. I've just got to get on the bus and deal with it later. Now it's spreading. Familiar, unpleasant, excessive warmth. Like I'm burning, but I'm not on fire. This doesn't make any...

...Oh, spontaneous combustion. Of course.

I'm sorry, Kelly.

I hope you meet somebody nice.


	32. Succubus

Death by a succubus, and she wasn't even mine! Ain't that a bitch?

More importantly than my death though, even more importantly than saving Chef, this time something was different.

Eric cared when I died.

It was a rare, private moment of actual emotion from him. I distinctly heard "Is Kenny okay?" before I went. No, I wasn't, but thanks for asking. Too bad the other guys missed it. Eric Cartman showing emotion was like a solar eclipse. It only happens once every so often, and if you blink you'll probably miss it.

I'm not actually an organ donor, but what the fuck? Sure you can have my eyes, Eric. It's the least I can do for you after showing me that you really do care.

Truth be told though, they still look better on me.


	33. Tweek Vs Craig

Ah, fuck!

I didn't mind the death by rusty nails. I knew some bad shit was gonna go down in shop class anyway.

It's just that now I won't get to see what happens! Who's gonna win: Tweek or Craig? I had money on that shit!

I guess if I lose now they can't collect anyway.

Which just makes me wish I'd bet more.


	34. Jakovasaurs

Apparently, I'm a really convincing deer. I knew studying all those nature shows with the animals humping was gonna pay off.

Too bad the bear bought the act more than Eric did.


	35. Sexual Harassment Panda

This guy is the stupidest mascot ever! He's even dumber than Sexual Harrassment Panda. Why would holding this magnet possibly-

Oh, I see.

I guess he's not so stupid after all.


	36. Jewbilee

I have to open that conch shell. I have to save Kyle, Ike, and all the other Jews. Even if they didn't accept me. Even if Kyle sold me out. He's my friend, and those other people...Well, they're innocent in all of this.

Of course I have to open it with my head. Can't just smash it on the ground or hurl it against a tree. That'd be too easy, right?

You're welcome, Moses.


	37. Chimpoko Mon

I've heard of being eaten out, but this is ridiculous. The worst part is I can't even scream for help.

Not that the guys would've helped me. They never do.

They never will.

They couldn't anyway. Even if they did, I'd just get it the next day anyway. Probably get it even worse for dodging death the last time.

Some vengeful God sure is pissed at me.


	38. Hooked on Monkey Fonics

First Spooky Fish, now Phonics Monkey.

I should just stop playing with animals.


	39. Starvin' Marvin in Space

"Kenny!"

"Forget him! He's done for!"

Cartman knows what's up. No matter what I did, I was done for.

"He's not done for, he's standing right there." Thanks, Stan. It's nice to know you care.

"You guys, just fly away!"

"No, no, he's done for. Come on!"

I'll probably be tortured now. Maybe I'll even die again. I don't care. That stuff doesn't matter to me anymore. It still hurts like a son of a bitch and I wish I didn't have to go through it, but I can't let those FBI guys or the missionaries get to Marvin or my friends. It's a small price to pay.

Does being frozen in carbonite make me Sally's trophy husband? And if so, does that mean I'm gonna finally get laid?

Hey, big girls need love too.


	40. The Red Badge of Gayness

Author's Note: Unfortunately I had to go back and edit this chapter in order to be screen accurate. When writing for this episode, for whatever reason, I didn't think we actually saw Kenny's death on-screen. I was wrong of course, and have edited the chapter slightly to reflect this.

...

It's not a "warning" flare if it can still burn you to death! They should really change the name. I guess they aren't designed for that though.

I never did get the plunder and women Cartman promised me. I guess he lied about that. I can't say I'm shocked he did either. He'll do anything to win this and make Stan and Kyle his slaves. I shudder to think what he'll have them do if we actually pull this off. Besides the false promises, that's a big reason I chose his side this time. If I sided against him and lost, oh god, the things he might make me do as one of his slaves...

I also shouldn't be shocked that I'm dying during war. Well, the reenactment of a war. But we're all taking it seriously. Besides the death, Tennessee was pretty nice. The townspeople made me feel less ashamed of my own drunk, redneck, meth-making family, that's for sure. The invasion of Ruby Hills Funland was actually pretty sweet too. The playground had my favorite rides. I thought for sure I'd die in the Fun Forest. I even saw Lookout Mountain coming.

The death was quick. Still just as painful as ever, but quick. Even though no one seems to remember me dying I hate to think of my friends' minds scarred by the images of my death for even a second. My family's either.

Now that I have nothing to lose, I hope the North wins. Nothing could be worse than being Eric Cartman's slave.

Not even death.


	41. Mr Hankey's Christmas Classics

"Through the years we all will be together. If the fates allow..."

Guess not.

Merry Christmas anyway, guys. Say bye to Mister Hankey for me.

And thank him for teaching me that fucking hilarious song about the Virgin Mary.


	42. Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus

Something's wrong.

No shit something's wrong. It seems like something's always wrong with me.

I feel sick. Well, I _am_ on my period. That's supposed to suck, right? Maybe this is just one of the many side-effects of puberty. I wonder if I'll get boobs like Stan. If I do, I'm never leaving the house again. I don't give a fuck about Cartman's meeting right now. I just wanna go home and...

Oh, shit.

Damn you, Backstreet Boys!


	43. World Wide Recorder Concert

This is, without a doubt, the most humiliating death so far.

I guess it's my own fault. I should've gotten some more ear plugs after the first "Brown Noise" experiment. Oh well. At least Cartman can't rip on me for it since he suffered too. So did the New Yorker Kids. I mean, sure, I'm one of the only ones who actually died from it, but I'm not sure I'd -want- to live through that. I don't think I've died of embarrassment yet, but if I were going to literally do that, this would've been the day.

So lame.


	44. Cartman's Silly Hate Crime 2000

Sledding definitely isn't the same without Eric. The bricks aren't working like they should be. I think we'll have to find another way. The girls probably wouldn't have bought it anyway.

What's Stan saying? Something about raising Eric's bail?

Oh! "Bail!" As in "bail out". Well, I'll just-

Goddammit.


	45. Tooth Fairy Tats 2000

Almost at the shore. Hang on, guys! Don't give into Loogie. Eric's an asshole for not dealing with him, but since I lived I guess it's kind of okay. I'm gonna make it this time, and then we'll all be rich! Tooth Fairy rich.

That Sega Dreamcast is as good as ours. That thing's gonna be the future of gaming.

God dammit no! Fucking concealed trenches! They should have a sign! Fucking cement shoes! Fucking, Irish-hating Italian, spaghetti-eating motherfu-

"...TIMMY!"


	46. Quintuplets 2000

Romania's amazing. I've found a home here. A talent. A place where I'm not poor. I can start over here. I'll miss the guys, but I need to do this. Who knows? Maybe I won't even die here. Maybe it was South Park and not me that made that shit happen.

It'll be me and my mom. And Kevin, I guess. We should definitely leave dad behind though. I even have support from the townspeople. How can they force me to go back to America?

Oh, fuck! Here they come. Just stay in the closet. Heh, in the closet. But seriously, just stay in the closet. Stay as quiet as you can.

I'm starting to identify the type of bullets that hit me. The type of guns that are used on me. Today, for once, I'm actually glad no one seems to remember my deaths. Usually I'm glad no one but me has to endure the trauma that comes with that, but sometimes I think it'd be nice if someone other than me was able to give a shit about what happens to me. Not the case today though. Being gunned down in front of my mom like this...No parent should ever have to remember that, and I'm glad mine won't have to.

At least I protected her from getting shot. Accidentally, but still.

Happy Easter, mom. Guess I'll see you back in the States.


	47. Timmy 2000

Ritalin is amazing. I'm more relaxed than I've been in a long-ass time. Always having to worry about dying tends to stress a guy out for real. Maybe I really needed this stuff and didn't even know it.

"Hold still, Kenny."

Oh, I must have a bug on me or something. Eric'll get it. Thanks, Eric. You're a good friend.

I can't wait for that Phil Collins concert. I mean, I can, this stuff makes you really patient and calm. I'm just saying it'll be fun. I hope he does that one song about the guy who watched another guy die or something.

Eric, why? Why would you do that to me?

Maybe there really are side-effects.


	48. Cartman Joins NAMBLA

Crushed by an ambulance. That's some good irony, God. What's next? I've already been shot by cops. You gonna have firemen put me out but I drown from the fire hose? Huh? Strangled by a cordless phone? What?

At least now I won't have to worry about my parents procreating anymore. Or any old creepy guys trying to procreate with me. I just hope mom doesn't get knocked up while I'm waiting to come back. The way those NAMBLA members wrecked my dad though, I doubt it.

Good! The last thing I need is a younger sibling.


	49. Cherokee Hair Tampons

You never seem to care when I die, Stan. No one ever seems to care when I die on them. This is just getting offensive now. I understand not talking about it. I understand not understanding it, because I don't even fully understand it, but at least care.

Please? I love Kyle too, but come on, Stan! Do you seriously not care about me at all here? How do you guys not remember? How do you not care?

"My friend is gonna die! He's gonna die and there's nothing I can do about it. Oh, God, he's my best friend..."

Now that's it! That does it! I have had just about enough of your bullshit, Stan! Screw you guys, I'm going home!

Or maybe not.


	50. Chef Goes Nanners

These mints are the best dinner I've had in a while. Kyle can go fuck himself; I'll eat all the mints I want. If anything, he should offer me something more substantial to eat. Not that I'd take the charity anyway, but he knows my situation. Complaining that a poor person is having too much of something you have too many of to begin with makes you sound like a dick.

Eh, maybe he's just concerned about me. Mints aren't exactly a healthy meal. Technically I think they aren't even food.

The water is really going to top them off.

"KENNY!"

Well, at least I know he cares.


	51. Bigger, Longer, and Uncut

Author's Note: Okay, I know I said these would be in order, but technically I guess they aren't. The movie exists on its own, but if it were to be counted in order, it would've happened during season 3. I don't feel like moving everything up a chapter due to this technicality, and season 4 does refer back to the movie, so I felt this was a good place to put Kenny's thoughts regarding his big-screen death. Just roll with me on this one, will you? Thanks! This was certainly an interesting POV to write. I hope you all enjoy it.

...

I feel fucking terrible! Being a burn victim makes me appreciate death. Usually it's quick and then it's over. And, unlike other people, I get to come back afterward. But this? I mean, I'd take this over death if I knew I wasn't going to get to go around again, but this sucks!

My heart feels different. Warm. Full. I think I heard a song about that once...

...

Mom warned me I was going to Hell. I thought it was just one of those empty threats parents made to get their kids to not act like assholes. Guess not. I'm sorry. Mom? God? Whoever can hear me now, I'm sorry. I don't want to be here.

I want to be back on earth where I can collect! Cartman owes me a hundred bucks! Eh, whatever. Odds are he wouldn't really pay it. He doesn't have any money. His mom sure does, and we all know how she gets it. I wonder if she'll come here because of that. Cartman sure as hell will.

Oops. Is it a sin in Hell to use the name like that? Will I get tortured worse for that? Or maybe Satan likes that. He's supposed to like sinners. That's why I'm here, right? Because I love all the bad stuff. Maybe I'm overthinking it. If I'd have known seeing Asses Of Fire at that theater would get me sent to Hell, I'd have waited for the VHS to come out. Or that new thing. What's it called? DVD?

Oh shit! Here we go. The eternal suffering starts. Maybe this is really it for me. This is the first time I can ever remember actually seeing any kind of afterlife once I died. I'm scared. Maybe Satan really is going to spend forever making me pay for my shit. Him, and apparently, this other guy named Saddam.

Oh, what the fuck?! Are they...? I think they are! Not that I mind it, but, really? A gay Satan? A gay Satan letting himself be someone else's bitch, at that? Dude, seriously, you're the Prince Of fucking Darkness. Don't let him talk to you like that.

They're planning some big invasion of earth. A big invasion which, I guess, requires Terrance and Phillip to die. Or at least bleed. I have to warn somebody, but I'm not regenerating fast enough this time. Maybe my body's still too fucked up from being burned. Maybe I still have a way though. My soul is stuck here in Hell, but my spirit is back in South Park with the guys.

Isn't it?

Some say the spirit and the soul can be different. That one's what's inside your body and leaves it when you die, and the other one's the will that's inside of both of you. The thing that makes your spirit and your body do good things. Or bad things. Something like that; I don't know much about religion or philosophy. I hope the stuff about them being different's true though. I didn't think it was. Then again, I wasn't sure about Hell until I got here either. Earth could be doomed here, and my soul's definitely not resting in peace while that's going on. This could be my only shot to let someone know what's up. So they can prepare for the end. Prepare others for it. It's too late for me, but maybe my spirit - or soul, whichever the fuck it is - can still do some good for somebody else.

Hopefully someone will get the message.

...

I'm going back to earth, but not how I wanted to. The invasion is on. As one of Satan's new minions I'm kind of required to come along with. Wow! We literally stopped the war. Americans and Canadians both bowing before Saddam. It's sickening. I know damn well he just wanted a shot at taking over everything. Satan's doing all the work but Saddam's going to take all the credit and get all the dictator statues. I wish Satan would stand up for himself and stick with it this time.

Thank God! Okay, poor choice of words, but I'm still happy Satan finally took enough of Saddam's shit. I'm glad Satan killed him before Cartman had to. It's cool he wants to give me something for helping him out, but I was just doing what anyone would do. Abusive relationships are bullshit.

So what do I want? He says I can have anything. A million dollars? My human body back? A human body that won't die all the time? Nah, that's all selfish wishing. I went to Hell, so obviously it's time for me to be less selfish. Among other things. There are lots of dead bodies laying around us. Including Terrance, Phillip, and Mister Garrison. The bodies I don't know all probably have names too. And families. I take my regeneration for granted sometimes, but I'll admit it comes in handy. I know that if everyone had a second shot like I always get they might do things differently. They might make their lives, or even the whole world somehow, better. Or much worse. But there's only one way to find out.

I'll go back. I'll tell Satan to put everything back how it was before the war. That means I'll go to Hell again. Possibly forever. But that's okay. I've had a lot of lives. These other people should get to live out theirs without dying on a battlefield. But, just in case this really is how I'm spending eternity, I'd better tell my friends one last thing.

"Goodbye you guys."

...

Holy shit! Where the fuck am I going now?

Heaven! It's Heaven! It's exactly what I thought it'd be. There's clouds and halos and...

And big-tittied angels! Woohoo!


	52. Something You Can Do With Your Finger

Finally! We've been standing around waiting to perform forever. I hope I'm the hot one of the band.

Well, now I'm not anything.

How did I not hear that elevator coming? They're big and slow.

Sorry, Eric. I hope you still make ten million dollars.

Course now if he does he won't share any of it with me.

He probably wouldn't have anyway.


End file.
